Reflections on love, life solo, girl on fire

He was poised so high on that pedestal, and she could not see him for what he really was; just a man.  His values were all that she wanted and all she wished she was………all she tried, in vain, to live up to.  Fact is, the person he met was just fine the way she was; she did not need to change herself to be good enough, valuable enough, worthy of anyone’s love.  Unfortunately, she did not believe in herself……she had been through so much in life, and she had spent one year trying to figure out who she was, what she wanted, how she was supposed to take her life in a better direction.  She found and lost love over and over again, each loss resulting in a diminished sense of self-worth.  She sought someone to make her whole; she did not know how to be alone, she felt as if she were only part of a person when she wasn’t in love or being loved.  He was the one she finally made a full connection with, one who asked her to walk side by side with him, sharing in good times and bad.  He asked for her full love, trust, devotion and understanding.  She was so happy to meet someone who also did not feel whole when unattached, a swan looking for his life mate.  In her relationship immaturity, she misstook this for kismet, fate, the true love match.  Poor girl, she was so entrenched in codependency, she could not see truth, facts, mismatch.  She was so in love, so wrapped in the ecstacy of a physical and emotional connection to another heart and soul.  Six months after the year together was over, done, torn apart by the truth, the reality, the communication breakdown, the slow destruction of the magic, she was still under its spell.  Her best friend said, he’s JUST a man……….and it wasn’t all that……but she was still crying, still sad.  She was still trapped in a bubble with the beautiful man on a pedestal, still sad, still unreachable; she put up boundaries and obstacles, but despite all her sharp edges, part of her wanted so desperately to end the pain, to move on, she let another human touch her, really touch her emotions, and the healing finally began.  She finally began to move on.  Now she could process the last three years of her life, all of the loves in her past, and put the beautiful one in perspective; he was the deepest love in this phase of her life, but he wasn’t the only, and he wasn’t the last.  He was, just a man. Keeping in mind that she met the first love of her life when she was just a girl and she loved him for almost two decades, she is still growing, she may not be ready to meet “the one” yet.  She cannot force it, she can’t work “hard” and make it fit when she’s a star trying to fit in a triangle, she must allow life to happen naturally.  She is so much more than she allowed herself to be when she tried to live up to someone else’s expectations, needs, desires.  She is a girl on fire, she is a girl blazing her own path, finally solo, finally embracing her strength and power as an individual.

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