I’m working on giving myself a clean slate for the choices I’ve made that I don’t feel great about. I have to forgive myself in order to feel whole, clean, valued. I’m in recovery from codependency which sounds so silly, but it’s a serious problem. It means I love too much, that I look for my mate to fill a void that my childhood created. And trust me, I’m so over that, I don’t want to dwell on it anymore, I wish I could just wave a wand over it. Fact is, when I run, I feel whole, I feel clean, I feel fun, and young (do you hear the LoveSong references?). I decided some time ago that LoveSong is really about codependency, and I maintain that. When I feel those urges to cling to another person, or even my kids to give my existence purpose, I try to channel it to fitness instead, because my children need me to be whole all by myself.
Today, I ran, and I focused totally on my breathing, keeping it rhythmic and controlled, which is a huge challenge, the way my asthma works. I’m always labored, even when I talk for a long time. I don’t even remember what I thought about since it was only a 2 mile run. When runs are sucky, I will daydream about anything to distract myself, or I will try to solve my problems. For me, running is both a group and a solo activity, and I love both. When I feel overwhelmed by life, yes, I want to run from it, but mostly I just want to run until my head is clear and my heart is light.
AGR (Asthma Girl Runner) AKA Kerniec (it’s Kernie C, but people like to call me “kerniac” which is funny, since I am a bit of a maniac).