Losing myself…….

When I start to like, when I become infatuated, I start to lose myself. The more I love, the more I lose; the longer I love the less I know where I end and he begins; I disappear. Just writing this makes me tear up, because I am intelligent enough to know how horribly wrong and unhealthy this behavior is, and I know the name for it — codependency. I thought I was cured, I thought I did the work and focused on myself and built my life so that I would not fall apart the next time I started to fall in love.
I don’t even know him yet, I haven’t even looked into his eyes in person. We’ve texted a couple of days and talked on the phone and while we seem exceedingly compatible, he has a horribly busy life and so do I, so we cannot meet for awhile yet. Maybe our schedules are too hard, he could bail on me now, he could pick someone else whose scheduled fits his instead of me…..if I show him my sad, scared, dark side, I’m sure he will run away, just like the others. It doesn’t matter that I wanted things to be over with the last one, my emotional needs drove him further away from me. I did that; maybe I’m too broken for anyone to love.
Why do I look for rejection? Why do I lose myself? Why do I become obsessed with when he will text back or who initiates conversation……etc. I’m crying as I write this because I don’t know what to do; I thought I was whole, I thought I was ready for love, but right now I’m so scared that I will fuck this up and I really think this guy is GREAT and I don’t want him to run away from me…..I need to live my life, I’m busy, he’s busy why am I so bloody needy still? What the hell???? I have this deep, intense feeling that I’m not good enough for anyone who is my equal to love, that I’m not physically attractive enough, my body is too ugly, my mind is too sad, my soul is too tortured. I know none of that is logical or true, and yet that fear that I’m unlovable is what drives me to sabotage my relationships.
I am DETERMINED not to repeat history; I must be strong, independent, driven, fierce, loving but healthy!!!!!!! I must overcome the doubts that pain me, I must run through and from the urge to contact him for reassurance. I need only to reassure myself!

Happy to know on 2/10/13 that it is only the hot cold man that drives me to lunacy. So when I feel crazy it means RUN RUN RUN!!!!!

Kelly Clarkson – Dark Side
There’s a place that I know
It’s not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away

Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody’s got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody’s a picture perfect
But we’re worth it
You know that we’re worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond
From black dust
It’s hard to know
It can become
A few give up
So don’t give up on me
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody’s got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody’s a picture perfect
But we’re worth it
You know that we’re worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Don’t run away
Don’t run away
Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Don’t run away
Don’t run away
Just promise me you will stay
Promise me you will stay

Will you love me? ohh
Everybody’s got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody’s a picture perfect
But we’re worth it
You know that we’re worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

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