This year for New Years I was given the gift of family. I know. Family. Those people some of you can’t get rid of who drive you almost out of your mind. I envy you who suffer. I missed my family horribly. My parents made terrible decisions in life which cost them, and me, as their child, relationships. Time. Years apart that can never be shared.
When my family had to remove my parents which I eventually did also, they removed me by proxy. I don’t think they meant to let me go or leave me alone in the cold but I was. I missed them and I tried for years to maintain relationships but I felt unwanted. I don’t know if the feeling was real but it felt real at the time.
I’m smarter now and more confident. When they invited me I didn’t care if it was because Matt, who has always been there, prompted it. I went. Happily after my race. Rang in the New Year with people who loved me as a child and still do. I started to get to know my younger second cousins. I let my family’s love heal all those old wounds and empty spaces and I wasn’t tough or invincible, just lovable. When they asked me to come to dinner the next day, I accepted. They have no idea how it felt to be included. To not be alone with my family of friends who are the best people ever, but to have my childhood back, the good parts.
As I spent dinner at my Aunt and Uncle’s the next day, and they asked about my kids, my life, and I was able to ask about theirs I realized I don’t even know them as adults and I don’t know their babies. And I wasn’t sad, because now I have the opportunity to spend holidays with them, and get to know them. Next time I will have my kids and they will be able to meet their cousins too and expand their family. They always say you will find what you’re looking for when you stop looking, and I found my family again. I am so thankful.