Last week, I logged into Livestrong for the first time in a long time. And I was sad to see that pretty, young, smaller girl in front of me. I had started CrossFit and I was getting ready to start the I Am CrossFit challenge, and I was trying to get my weight down, since I had gained 10 lbs since the Cleveland Half, May 2010. I found myself the victim of my own self-loathing yet again, like many times before. Fact – I weigh, today, 30 lbs more than the hottie that ran her first half marathon (only trained for 6 miles due to injuries during training) almost 3 years ago. Now that hottie had like minimal muscle tone, she had been running since late 2008. She gained 10 lbs that year training for and completing 3 more half marathons, probably all muscle but she thought she was fat again. She struggled with her self-tape, the one that runs in your head and says….”you’re not good enough, you’re going to get fat again, you’ll always be a fat girl.” I hate that tape and I’ve tried to erase it. That tape doesn’t need any more airtime……but no matter how many times I delete it….it re-records. Therapy, running, being an athlete….nothing stops it.
Today I read my friend Kristen’s blog and I promised myself that I would work to change the tape again….make it say nice things. How can I do that? Like I did today, by starting my run giving thanks for my body and what it can do. Loving and praising my body as it is today, telling it what wonderful things it can accomplish, and not reminding it that it’s harder to run with those extra lbs…for the record, I so hate that phrase. Who decides if those pounds are extra? I gained all of them working out 5-6 days a week, recovering from surgery, grad school, CrossFit, running……so sue me. I’m not LITTLE. I am a BIG RUNNER. That’s right, I’m a big girl and I run. I run far, I run hard, I run all the time, and I never, ever give up! I started my run today smiling, and I passed a man on the street, walking, and cold, and he probably thought I was certifiable….that’s totally OK with me. I am crazy, and I’m glad. It takes crazy to run in the cold and run 13.1 over and over again. I love my crazy, I love my body, I love myself. I am still a total hottie…..just a bigger one.
I am no less an athlete because I carry more pounds; I still run the same distances, and now I swim….and I’m training for a triathlon. I am unstoppable, beautiful, strong, fit, asthmatic, and so lucky to have taken my passion for living and used it to fuel my runs. I am not that much smaller hot girl who could wear a size 5….I’m more of a 13. It’s not the end of the world, by any means, and it doesn’t define me. I am a sexy beast, and I will love the me that I am today, I will say nice things to myself when I get up, when I work, when I run, when I swim, when I mother. I am Asthma Girl Runner, at any size, because I never give up on me.