Shelby, in Steel Magnolias, said “I’d rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.”
I’ve used this quote often to justify risking rejection, risking pain, risking death, risking LIFE.
But the truth is, sometimes, the fear of the loss, particularly the potential loss of a person who brings joy into my life, paralyzes me in tears. Taking a chance to live in the moment, to build a friendship with someone who isn’t in the same place, who doesn’t want all of the same things, who isn’t poised to find a single person to share his time with, fills me with foreboding and sadness. Why is that? Why do I spout this quote but find myself unable to just enjoy the time I have, the season of knowing someone, feel the good feelings that I feel when I’m with him; why do I require an end game? I’m happy alone so why does feeling fill me with fear and sadness? There is no security in life, emotionally or physically. There are no guarantees.
I have a lot of exploring to do emotionally to decipher myself, why our differing objectives fill me with pain. But for now, I’ll stay the course. I’ll try to let the bliss happen and live in the moment; but I recognize that this sadness I feel here and now could bleed into the bliss and destroy it; I do not know how to dispel the sadness so that I can experience the joy, that ability eludes me.
Happiness and bliss are beyond my locus of control; I realize that it is not just my state of mind, but the alignment of people, places and things to design moments which fit with what my mind seeks for pleasure, to alleviate some of my daily anxiety. My heart races as I type this; my fear of losing someone compatible is palpable; do I fear it because it has happened so often in the last year? I used to fear being alone, but I’ve learned to love and enjoy that so much; sharing Thai, the best dessert ever, rock wall climbing and coffee with one person reminded me of how much more there is to be enjoyed with someone else; and now I hate to think I would lose it and be forced to look for it again.
I wrote this on 1/21/13. And that person wasn’t ready and is gone now. But I think I am proud of myself for staying the course and letting it happen, it was an important exercise in letting go of what isn’t mine to control.