Today my Student shut my finger in her locker, accidentally. Tantrum. Another student having an issue I cannot talk about. My assistant with a close death, a murder. So my mangled finger is just a finger. I am worried about my students back there and at home, because I care.
I love them. I hope they always know that. When I’m not perfect. When I have to take myself to the nurse and urgent care because I’m bleeding and hurt. I hope that one day they will learn for me so that I can make a difference in their lives. Academically we aren’t having the most stellar month. I am trying, but I am sure in time I will be more effective. Days like today won’t happen every day , thankfully.
Tomorrow is Tuesday and a new day. I will show up and I will teach, once I am medically checked out, to be safe. I think when I became an Intervention Specialist I had no idea this could be a day at work. But it was. It is. It’s just a day to remember, to learn from, grow from. Life isn’t about surviving the storm it’s about dancing in the rain.
So today I did not want to run. I wanted to do anything else. Like eat junk food. Stay home watching Pretty Little Liars with my daughter. Go shopping. Eat. Drink more coffee. Watch more PLL.
But I ran 4.18. Then I ate sushi and ice cream and French fries, drank coffee and shopped with my baby girl at the Greene(she’s 12). And I felt fantastic. No guilt. High on life. Just that bliss that comes only from running when you don’t want to but you know you need to, you know it’s part of you and cannot be pushed aside.
We laughed hysterically. People stared. We pity them and their lack of joie de vie. My daughter is more fun than any date I’ve ever had. I think that either says wonderful things about my daughter or awful things about my dates; it likely says both. Being with her is the most free I can be; I am both Mom and companion when we have our rare 1:1. We missed my son today, but he was having his own bliss with his Dad. As a shared parent, I consider any 1:1 to be a blessing, and I savor every moment.
Yesterday was Day 3 back on the run. I lost 23 days training due to sinus infection, bronchitis and a secondary respiratory infection. Rather humbling even for AGR. Day 1, 3.6 miles was hard coughed incessantly as my lungs tried to hack out one last time 100 imaginary hairballs. Day 2, 2.8 miles, involved dancing and empowerment and it was 9 degrees. Day 3, 5.27 miles, was 53 and I was nearly naked in a long sleeve shirt and shorts, tank underneath. It was so warm on the river I took the shirt off. Now that’s happy…..
That evening I had a very impulsive coffee date. And well being impulsive is part of who I am. But I asked someone else to leave their comfort zone and meet me before we even had a phone call, and he did. He has, I think though our date was just an hour and a half, his own amazing life story. I have high hopes that he will be a very good friend. Me, I was flat-out crushing on him. He’s rather brilliant, intensely compassionate, attractive, sweet, and real. What does that mean? It means he really wants to connect with the world, and I am all about that.
I wasn’t sure he wanted to see me again as he walked me to my car. So I said “I won’t pressure you to tell me now if you want to see me again, you can text me.” He said “What?” Or something like that because the next moments erased my memory. He took my arm, and pulled me in for a kiss, holding my face. Time stopped; I don’t remember if I was breathing, it was so magical. We kissed again and it was wonderful; despite the cold rain I think would have stood there all night. I wasn’t scared or overwhelmed by the blissful feelings; it felt exactly right, safe but exciting.
Typically I run through sickness. But at least a couple of times a winter I am unable to run through it; I’m lucky to get through each day at work, which now means teaching, talking, chasing kids etc…..
What happens when you cannot run? Me, I about lose my mind. I do not function well without my endorphins. Running is addictive, and chemicals account for the drive to return despite injuries and setbacks. For me, maintaining emotional balance while I am unable to train is difficult. I have been unable to swim for almost two weeks and unable to run for even longer. I can either find another outlet like this one or Compartmentalize or pretend (deny) my sadness. Not running makes me rather sad, personally. I can overcome almost anything when I can run.
I’m at urgent care. It’s been two weeks and I finally have my insurance card printout. That was a nightmare not to be revisited, I hope! I don’t want to die and my asthma is nothing to play with though I prefer to treat OTC and homeopathically, I’m in trouble with sinus and respiratory infections.
I find myself running down the halls even as I’m wheezing and coughing just for a small rush, when the students haven’t arrived or have left for the day. Teaching is a huge dose of happy that has made these days easier to get through. But until I can run again, or swim, or lift or do CrossFit I’m not quite myself.
The worst thing that could happen, did.
Good thing I did not try the railing.
Broken on the ground
Pieces of myself shared
Lying next to broken hope.
Never easy, taking that first step
Courage was needed
The same used to climb the rock wall
That first exhilarating time.
Comfort, joy, peace, safety, all felt
But it ended there.
So much life to share.
Pick up the pieces of hope and self
For tomorrow is another day.
Tuesday was my first tearful day as a new teacher. When the building was empty, only myself and the custodian present, I cried in my room like a baby. I felt like a failure. I private messaged a fellow DPS teacher on Facebook and she encouraged me…..lots of people did. And I picked myself up and came into work for…..Professional Development Day. Hey! I didn’t time it, it happened. One of my students had an appointment in my building. I met her and her mother and suddenly I hear “She’s so excited to come to school again” and “She said Ms. H don’t play!” Since the focus of my room is classroom management, that made me smile. And it made me happy. Maybe I am doing ok for a week 1 Intervention Specialist 🙂
Tonight over dinner, just talking about my kids, my viewpoints on education, the areas I feel I am lacking in, I felt so much pleasure. The simple act of explaining to someone else why I love my new career, why it is so important to me, reminds me, again, that I’m realizing a dream I’ve worked on in different ways for years. This isn’t anything I fell into or chose because the economy is tough. This is what I LOVE to do, it lights me up inside. Those moments with that student were precious this morning. Tomorrow she may come in and try to tear my room to pieces or even my heart, but now I know, she cares, she understands why my rules exist, and at least part of her wants to follow them.
The faces of my life will change as years pass, but my roles stay the same. I am, forevermore, Asthma Girl Runner Mommy Teacher Relative Friend Swimmer Athlete….you get the idea.