Dancing no running in the rain

On the wall it says
Life isn’t about how to survive the storm
But learning how to dance in the rain
She’s wearing a red shirt and a skirt
She resembles me as she dances through puddles

As the rain pours over the house
Like a sheet of water flooding the yard
My amazing dancer says
That’s not a good sound for running mom
I imagine my new shoes ruined by the downpour
Likely I shall wear my old new shoes today for their first baptism

Rain starts rain stops as quickly as it came
More like summer than spring
But rain is coming all day long
Can’t run from it have to run through it
Like my red shirted alter ego
Dancing through the puddles
Happy knowing I know how to dance in the storm
Joyfully running through the rain.

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Solidarity run – One Fund Boston

So today I ran the solidarity run here in Dayton Ohio. It was at Kettering Fairmont H.S. track and we ran 2.62 miles (get it??). It was Emotional and started with a prayer which many appreciated. I appreciated the acknowledgement of those who passed but AGR is more of a secular humanist.

But the crowd was more than 4x what they expected and Up and Running Dayton/Ohio had to order hundreds of shirts. How awesome is that? The crowd was impossible to move through for all 11 laps but I didn’t care. My first mile was 11:47 and I wasn’t thrilled but not surprised. But I didn’t walk once. My next mile was a 10:54 split. I was breathing hard. People were staring. F–k them. Yes. It’s hard for me to run. I do it anyway. Maybe you should work harder? If I can run, anyone can. So I pushed on to exactly 2.75 (sorry I suck at laps and starting and finishing same place) Finished at 11:10 with weaving and dodging.

And why did I care, you may wonder? I care because I am AGR and I was alive and able to run today. I take that responsibility pretty damn seriously. I didn’t run for faith but I ran for everyone who supports runners who lost family who was injured and would have loved to have joined me. I ran, as always, because I can.
http://www.wdtn.com/dpp/news/local/montgomery/runners-for-boston-lace-up-their-shoes

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So you want to know what my job is like?

I tell people what I do, and they say “Wow” and “Saint” and I laugh.  I’m anything but.  I immediately deflect their praise because I’m not nearly as calm, level and wonderful as I would like to be.  Far from it on a regular basis, some days are better than others.

Today four of my students (grades K-2 this year) returned from being suspended, so I had a full house.  I have children with different disabilities but whose primary reason for being in my room is an emotional disturbance of some kind.  They throw chairs, they curse, they spit, they stab with pencils or other implements, they push, kick, hit, bite.  My kids both love me and hate me.  They respect me, fear me and test me daily.  They show blatant disrespect just to see what I will do or say.  They live in fear that I will leave them or stop loving them, yet they cannot seem to resist the urge to make me put them out, suspend them, push them away so to speak.  It’s like it’s hard wired in them to reject my love, kindness, compassion and attempts to enrich their lives.  I’ve learned that a tough, no nonsense approach works better with my babies; kindness has always been followed by pain whether emotional or physical, so they aren’t feeling it. 

My job is hard, I won’t lie.  I consider I have two primary responsibilities: 1. teach them how to conduct themselves in society and 2. how to read.  Once I accomplish those two goals, we move on to mastering math skills and other refinements.  I have common core standards to live up to, but first I have to keep them at their desks, or at least in my room learning.  So behavior always comes first, that’s why they are with me.  Now when I became an Intervention Specialist, this is not what I imagined for my first assignment, but I have no regrets.  I love my school, my coworkers, my administrator and my kids.  I love what we do and that we do it in the face of so many obstacles that exist outside our school walls. 

The retiring school nurse says I need to write a book about my first year adventures and I admit, it’s so unbelievable at times, and I don’t want to violate FERPA so I am careful what I share and tell here.  I have a small group so one day in the future I might write that book about my first tour in a behavior school. I leave every day pretty tired physically and it definitely took its toll on my athleticism, but I’m overcoming that obstacle.  I think I belong here, because I got past the tears, frustration, self-doubt and lack of skills to find my groove, adapted my existing skill set to meet my population, and took control of my room, generally speaking.  Some days they rule me, but mostly I rule them, as it should be.  And sometimes we even learn.  Image

 

Contentment

What is contentment?
A boring emotion
Marked by mediocre intensity
Passionless and bland?

What is contentment?
True happiness
Marked by peaceful calm bliss
Comfort and adoration?

What is contentment?
Alone it looks like Netflix marathon
Absolut mandarin and blueberry juice
Pringles and warm blanket.

What is contentment?
A surprise lunch out
Followed by trip to grocery
And a beautiful sunny run.

What is contentment?
Satisfaction and intensity
Dinner made appreciated eaten
Finished with cuddling and Netflix.

Contentment is deeper than happiness and bliss.
Contentment happens when trust is established.
Contentment is comfort knowing the other person understands you
Contentment happens when you aren’t looking for anything at all.

KC 4-21-13

AGR. That’s me.

I think it happened again. The heroin became such a pull I lost focus on myself again. No I don’t have a drug addiction. But there are emotions, feelings that mimic what I think heroin would feel like. They say food addiction isn’t that different and I know what it feels like.

So it’s Saturday and I’m refocusing on me again. I didn’t stop running and I didn’t stop spinning and I didn’t lose my commitment to working out or my joy in it, but I did lose my drive to push for distance and endurance I think. Too busy using that energy for other activities.

I will always struggle with balance. Balancing joy and selfishness and fitness and training. Kids and work always come first but the rest is where I struggle. I have to own this struggle and keep focused so I can feel as beautiful and strong as AGR should feel INSIDE.

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Risking it all!

I am risking it all. Risking feeling for however long it lasts….risking LOSS in exchange for joy, ecstasy, passion. I’m risking looking forward to seeing that face to feeling that touch, risking wanting it again tomorrow even if that means I will lose it the next day. I risk whatever parts of me decide to feel whatever I am feeling because I feel as Alive and Joyful as I do when my feet take turns hitting the ground……I risk it. One day at a time I feel better than I can remember feeling…..joy sans emotional pain. All the people who hurt me are gone. I am free to choose to feel again, and I choose joy.

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