My first field day

So today was my first field day. I arrived early at 6:30 to help out per request. We got things setup. It was well organized go field day team (not me I was a last minute helper but I gave money lol). And there were 8 stations. It was hot. We had water breaks. Cool down station. Lots of monitoring and therapists.

My kid was the first to flip. She snuck in the building and then lost it when I said she lost the ability to participate by breaking the simplest of rules. Don’t go inside without your leader. It was ugly and sad. Hours later she apologized like six times. And another student in my room flipped. And then another. During basketball I ended up with four adults and seven kids contained in my space. Welcome to field day Ms. H.

I got through it. I even smiled through it. I didn’t even know I was tired. Took my kids, the ones that belong to me for ice cream and to the park. Home for dinner late and still going. Did laundry. Still going. At 9pm I sat down. And I realized how tired I was and how wiped I was emotionally. How hard field day really is for a teacher. And a student.

They say at the Dale that you find that moment in the day to take as your positive experience or impact. And I had a huge one. She ran across the field racing the 50 yard relay as if for her little life. And she only cried on the field during the sack race. Unlike recess she did not cling to me. She interacted. She talked. She played. She is growing up and adapting to the social requirements of a school environment. For an ED student and for her teacher, it’s tremendous. I remember thinking just two months ago, how will I ever teach her? And yet, I think, I have.

Thank you, my children, my colleagues, my principal, my friends for helping me get to my first field day. Thank you all for believing in me when I couldn’t see why on earth anyone wanted me to teach these amazing children. Thank you my room partners for making me laugh every day. Most of all thanks to my students for giving me a place to develop my skills as an Intervention Specialist and for loving me on good days and bad. Thank you for listening enough that I could raise the bar for you. Thank you for our first day as a team, on the field, in the heat, where some magic happened between all of you before three of you melted from the heat like candles by the flame.

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Murph, yes I half conquered plus a mile….CrossFitter for Life?

So I’m not a CrossFitter anymore, though I did train for the Murph because like the half, or the full, or whatever….RESPECT the WOD like you respect the distance.  So I trained, or so I thought, doing pull-ups on the pull-up assist, doing 100 modified push-ups, countless squats, and miles for time.  So I started here with the 1 mile run, which is the full Murph distance, the only part of my WOD that was full Murph, because, well, I’m a runner.  I can run some distance even when I’m tired.  So here’s my starting running pics, with others and all by my Asthma Girl lonesome once the group left me in their rainy footprints.

that's ME AGR in the back....leading the pack from the rear

that’s ME AGR in the back….leading the pack from the rear

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AGR and no one else in sight…..whistly but moving

So next element in the WOD was pull-ups, and I trained at the gym for the last six weeks on the pull-up machine, with a 90lb assist.  But let me say…….banded pull-ups make a pull-up assist machine look like a sissified girly contraption.  I felt like I had not done a pull-up since December, even though my Twitter and FaceBook page followers can attest to my assertion that I have, in fact, done so.

This is what it looks like…..that’s not me though!

man doing pull-up on assist

Here’s what MURPH banded pull-ups look like (yep, that’s me front and back….kinda impressive).

banded pullup extension

banded pullup extension

all the way over the bar, no cheating

all the way over the bar, no cheating

I was dying by thirty pull-ups, had to switch out a lesser band for a stronger one after an epic fail trying to heave my enormous overly heavy body over the bar.  I cannot even remember how to kip but even more important, I felt like a water buffalo trying to lift myself above the bar.  That cute little machine up there makes me feel like supergirl.  Not so damn much, Infinity Fitness, you reminded mpae how far away my days at RegalFit are, how many Cheetos I’ve stress eaten in my classroom.  I might still be wearing my pants but who is wearing my fluff?

Third element….the WORST.  100 Push-ups.  Modified.  Even modified.  I mean, I’ve grunted through them at home, screamed through them, but I was worried about doing them in public, so I hid over by the wall of kettlebells, so no one could see me cuss or cry.  I needn’t have worried, the camera didn’t even catch me this time, I had my daughter snap some pics of my nemesis anyway “for the blog”.  I like these memories, I am a bit of a masochist.  So I do ten and I’m ready to cry thinking…..90 more??  Somehow, I don’t know, I got through them.  By the end I could only do 4-6 at a time.  My plans of sets of 10 after those nightmare pull-ups went right out the window.

focused and in motion

focused and in motion

going for more torture, or prayer?

going for more torture, or prayer?

So I finished the push-ups, I actually got stuck on 97, did 8 in a row and fell on my face, pretty much.  Had to rest my shaking, quivering, gelatinous arms, then do the last silly three damn push-ups.  Last element…..finally something I can manage.  Squats.  I don’t have the deepest squat because my knees suck so bad, but at this point I am so glad to get through an element so I can run again and be finished! I was able to do squats 50 per set…..hilariously different performance thanks to the squat challenge in March and all that spinning the last two months. 🙂

Moving FAST down she goes

Moving FAST down she goes

And she's UP

And she’s UP

Oh squats were sets of 50 but also my first chance besides running to use my inhaler….did I mention I used it like 8 times in a 45 minute WOD?

Yes, I AM AGR peeps

Yes, I AM AGR peeps

So my daughter cheered me on, and I got to see my old CrossFit and prior work acquaintances, and it was really nice to do so.  Great to cheer them on and push myself to the finish.  I may not be a CrossFitter anymore, but I still have the mental toughness I learned in Infinity and Regal Fitness CrossFit gyms.  I can still perform CrossFit elements when I train at the gym, I can still do the Murph every single Memorial Day and never let go of that piece of myself, because I like the RAWR I see in these pictures, and I missed it.

I finished with a mile run and I would love to say I ran it for time, but I felt dead through my whole body.  I was so thankful for the cool mist and temperatures, but my muscles would barely cooperate as I tried to run, and my lungs were even more labored.  I hit the inhaler and kept going, walked a few steps uphill just so I could finish at a slow jog.  I smiled so hard on my return because it was almost over! Oh and also my sense of personal accomplishment.  I conquered quite a WOD just under 45 minutes and without all the training that is supposed to lead to such an undertaking.  I finished it because I’m Asthma Girl Runner, and because I respected the Murph.  Here’s to a trip to Long Island NY and NYC and another race for Lieutenant Michael Murphy.

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Thank you to all who have served, who continue to serve, who make sacrifices, and who have died so I can be free to write this blog.

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Fantastic Friday

So much for my angst, I was brave for the second time in two weeks and removed someone from my life.  I did feel rejected and I was unhappy and I said goodbye to someone I had fallen in love with, a bit.  Not sure how well I knew him and the attachment wasn’t permanent, so life moves on.  I’m happy to say that I did it myself, for myself, by myself.  I did what was necessary to make myself happy and whole.  

I had dinner with my bestie in Mason following the breakup, talk about culinary happiness! It was wonderful, we really enjoyed the food, company, and our server, she was hilarious, entertaining, all that. I have to give props to the Mellow Mushroom for awesome bartender, staff, food, everything. Truly quality ingredients, flavors, possibly some of the best pizza I’ve ever had, I cannot wait to try more specialties next time.

Monday morning is the Murph.  I’m going to get the kiddos now to enjoy them for the next four days, with some family bonding time, refrigerator cleaning, park playing, and whatever else we think of after a shopping spree today. I’m just glad for my family, my friends, my life. I’m glad I’ve evolved enough not to keep someone around just because I love them. I’m proud that I finally know how to let someone go when it hurts.

Let-go-when-youre-hurting-too-much.-Give-up-when-love-isnt-enough-and-move-on-when-things-arent-like-before.-Its-certain-theres-someone-out-there-who-will-love-you-even-more

Rejected

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I know it is you
I know it wasn’t me
I know you’re so broken
You don’t know what you want
You thought you could handle two
But you can’t even handle one
I know it isn’t me
But here I sit
Feeling rejected by you
Your lack of desire for me
Your inability to give without taking
Your needs not matching mine
Your expectation of me to have none
I know it isn’t you
I know I am still beautiful
I know I am desirable
I know I am powerful
But I feel rejected and weak
Stupid black hole activated
I know I am more than you deserve
I know it isn’t me
It’s you
You’re more broken than me
If only I could reject you back
I’m the badass
I should deliver the crushing blow
It feels like we are over
Everything we were
Rejected.

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Brave. Fearless. Beautiful.

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Brave. Fearless. Beautiful. I’m not talking about me, that’s for sure.  My daughter.  Miss Carlee II.  Boldness and bravery personified….her first solo tonight in front of her school and her soon-to-be dance teacher at her School for the Arts.  My baby is growing up so fast, and her beauty, her poise, her strength, her fearlessness are all that I could ever dream for her to be.  She is an amazing creature, elusive, yet open, giving yet with that Mona Lisa knowing smile.  Miss Carlee is fast developing into a very mature pre-adolescent.  . 

She danced to Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful.   It was beautiful.  It was, as her teacher said, moving.  As tears literally poured down my face while I used my iPhone to video her, I watched, almost breathless, every movement of her young, graceful, strong body.  I watched her push herself, how she conveyed emotions with the movement of her arms and hands, the leap of her legs in a grand jete, and I cried.  I didn’t care who saw or what anyone might think, because it was a moment never to be repeated.  You never get to dance your first solo again, or be the Mom watching it unfold.  

This evening I let her watch the video on my phone.  I can’t honestly express which was more moving–watching the dance, live, the first time, or just watching the emotions play across her face as she watched herself.  First, I swear I saw tears.  Then she bit her lip and didn’t stop.  Her eyes widened.  Her breath quickened.  I wish I could have captured all of that with my phone again, just to show her how she moved herself.  

Next Wednesday this young girl graduates from sixth grade.  She moves onto the giant school where the seventh and eighth graders are provided some isolation and protection from the much larger and more mature ninth through twelfth graders.  Even knowing this, Mom is a little nervous.  I did attend the same school but it was 7-9 then, a completely different situation.  Now her school, like the Louvre, has a new face, but many of the original, beautiful elements still standing strong and proud.  I have so many emotions, all selfish, about losing her to adolescence.  I fear it, even as I embrace it.  

 

Passion, Intensity, and I’m not sorry

So sorry

I’m not sorry

My love for you caused you a crisis of confidence?

How dare I have expectations,…

How could I expect you to spend time with me

Since that was the pattern YOU established.

Why am I always punished for what I am offered

And I take, happily, that time and attention.

I will remember this lesson most of all

Time is precious

Time will be quality over quantity

Time alone wins

over Time together.

Held all your feelings in for two weeks

and then dumped them on me 

in spectacular fashion

I’m still sore inside today

Still a little angry

But realize it will happen again

And I cannot put myself through this

The push and pull

The addiction to your attention and affection

The come to me no wait go away you’re too close

I’m so sorry 

I’m not sorry

My love made you uncomfortable

Made you realize I should be somewhere else

With someone else

Who appreciates me fully and completely

That’s what your guilt is sweetheart

It’s your conscience telling you

I deserve better than you can give

I never once said I love you

I’ve held back my feelings knowing you didn’t want them

Kept them inside myself

But you felt them

Because that’s the kind of woman I am.

I do everything with passion

Mother

Teach

Run

Swim

Spin

Love

I’m intensity and passion personified

Before stepping up to me, know this!Image

Because this is who I am

And I have no desire to be less than myself for anyone.