I’ve decided to cut off communication with family who support my Dad by rescuing him. It took time to come to this point but I cannot enable him or them further by making myself available for further mental abuse. Done. I love my Grandma and my Aunt, but so long as they choose him, they’re choosing to say it’s OK that he beat me, and that he continued to abuse me as an adult. No more…..sorry, I’m not sorry. I’m creating boundaries to make my space even safer for me to live in.
The struggle is making my adult self deal with my adult problems….my child self is the one who is suffering from PTSR or PTSD. It’s my child self that feels threatened and insecure and scared. My child self was inside my head driving to work today, feeling overwhelmed and unable to compartmentalize my struggle to report to work. So I reminded myself that I am a powerful, strong, capable woman who can handle herself even against her unmedicated, schizophrenic, psychotically unstable father.
Good news though! I happily realized I miss my two friends who are on vacation, not because I physically need to see them, but because I miss communicating with them, which is a completely different and healthy step. It’s a relief to know I’m OK without them, but perfectly normal to miss the daily texts/life communication.
I’m proud I got through last night with only reaching out to one person, getting a simple but helpful response and writing a blog to deal with my feelings. Today I’m a little messy and emotional inside but holding up fairly well on the outside. I’m NOT perfect. I can’t have perfect days every day. I wish I could be 100% perfect no matter what is going on inside my head, but I cannot. I wish either of my friends were here to hold me, but they are not. Later I will have my babies to pull close to me, so I can hang tough until then. Mentally, I’m hugging myself…..and the child inside.