My Proxy Mother’s Day

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So Friday I was tearful and feeling sorry for myself I was a bit messy when my Students were at specials. My kids returned and seemed stable….they often seem perfectly OK on the outside when inside they are full of turmoil, anxiety, anger.

One after another my babies spiraled and lost control of their emotions. One by one they went from calm to different versions of angry, violent, abusive, out of control, and tearful. Oh the tears. I can deal with tears. One by one I held them. I calmed them. I loved them. I kept them safe in my space.

So I forgot about my problems. Hours later someone asked me how I was. I said I was great I had forgotten all about my stalker dad in the face of the needs of my children. I was happily exhausted by the effort of mending my kids. It was Mother’s Day weekend and two weeks of making presents for people who might not really be playing that role can get to a kid.

This is the first year I forgot about my Mom as Mother’s Day approached. My life is so full. I have twelve kids now. I am proxy mother to ten, real Mom to two. I don’t miss my mother at all anymore, I’m glad she’s gone. I’m glad she can’t hurt me anymore. I’m sorry my school kids (some) aren’t safe from that.

I can’t say how grateful I am to be the mom of my two kids as I had an amazing Saturday with them. They are so well developed, so loving, so awesome. But I had to take time to recognize my proxy motherhood and be grateful I could nurture my babies Friday.

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