I guess I had nothing to write

I’ve been AWOL from my blog. Spending time in my head. Fascinating place my psyche. And I guess when I get sick I get tired of writing about it. So I’m back. Still sick. But will write again.

I created a blog just to write about Internet dating. Anonymous. Because it is such an odd experience. So I am busy getting ready for my first ever trip to NYC. Spending time with the kids. Enjoying the summer. Friday while other people were at work I did like 25 things. I liked that.

I miss running. Be back to it soon. Like I would miss breathing.

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Aftermath of a funeral

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It is a beautiful funeral home. It was a house once upon a time. It is rather magnificent inside, Ana got the tour. I loved her dragging me upstairs to see it.

Someone said I am full of life, that was a huge compliment. I remember when I was so sad I couldn’t function whether after Ana was born or after an awful breakup. I’m much stronger now.

My Great-Uncle Jimmy was so full of life. We shared stories that made me laugh and cry, especially about “g-d Irma” (his words) and tapping S.O.S. on the wrong wall when he fell in the tub. I can’t believe he’s gone. The world feels emptier now.

I took myself and my girl to a funeral alone. Today during Taps when I could not control the flood of tears she held me. I got her home safely, by myself. I’ve had to do so much alone in recent years, I’m so glad Ana could go with me. I know I could ask friends to help but I am so “only-child” broken.

I’m so tired. So wiped out. So unsure of how I will feel tomorrow. But I know my babies and I are alive and together. Tonight that is enough.

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A date and a funeral

So I have a date with a funeral and I have a date. It seems promising since we just started talking about 36 hours ago and are meeting. I like that.

The fact is life just goes on, relentlessly. W.H. Auden wanted the clocks to stop and I know exactly what he meant. But the clocks keep ticking the earth keeps spinning and the universe keeps expanding. Time shows in the age lines I finally have under my eyes and in he age bracket I race in now that I am 40. People say age is just a number to get you to do silly things but it is a reflection of time spent on earth if not wisdom earned.

Tonight will be my date before my date with a funeral. It will be a funny experience after a day of shopping for black dresses and summer clothes for an upcoming vacation. He’s witty, smart, cute and to quote my friend Kristen “normal”. Now that’s the ultimate in online dating.

Time has marched all over my relationships since my marriage ended over three years ago. I’ve been on more first dates than I care to count. But life is all about the experiences, memories, lessons, the wisdom that comes with time and exposure.

Oh and I am rocking lime green. No black tonight. Tonight is a celebration, an appreciation for being alive today.

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My Uncle Jimmy

My Great-Uncle Jimmy died tonight. I found out in a text message I much appreciated because it was delivered timely and with love.

I will miss him so much. He was so tall, strong, Irish, and proud. He sang songs. He worked hard. He loved his entire family. He gave the best hugs. He was an amazing man. I could not ever forget who and what w was to me. My Irish heritage. My Celtic identity. Love. Unconditional love and acceptance.

I’m sad last Memorial Day I missed his 90th birthday doing the Murph and finishing my Masters thesis. I’m sorry that I was dying over a breakup and now a year later my family patriarch has passed. I’m so sorry he’s gone. He left grandchildren and kids and tons of community members.

Folks. Love ya. Had some Irish Whiskey and toasted to Uncle Jimmy. Red Breast really yummy stuff. Slainte!!!

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.”

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The new me

I am a new me
Strong
Independent
Tough
Badass

I am a new me
Happy
Cry write release
Amputate gangrenous people
Heal quickly

I am a new me
Still loving
Passionate
Intense
Crazy
In a good way

I am a new me
Still an athlete
Dedicated
Determined
But balanced
Priorities shifted
Less obsessive.

I am a new me
Awesome
Complicated
Imperfect
Generous
Funny
Smiling so much more

I am a new me
Evolving daily
Can you keep up?
Only the one that can
Only the one that wants to
Can share my summer.

KC

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