Sigh….time to write, again?

So I’ve been noticeably absent and busy surviving.  Today I was out riding on a bike path and he reminded me that I could take time to enjoy the setting.  He said he knew I was trying to survive and that I would, but I could take my time.  I feel like, after I stopped huffing and puffing and crying from the pain in my hips, thighs, calves and lungs, that what he said meant so much more in terms of my life.  I’ve really, really been struggling with my emotions. In an ugly, visceral way, when I’m not super happy, I’m super depressed or super angry or super just want to eat and curl up with my iPad on the sofa and play games and swipe through Facebook.

I am obsessed with podcasts.  Am I learning?  Oh yes, maybe too much.  The more I learn, the sadder I become, like John B. in the amazing S-town podcast. If you read this blog, check that out!  S-town from the producers of This American Life.  So….back to me.  I want to do more than survive but I don’t want to do things to avoid learning how to grow and become more than the person surviving and overcoming obstacles.  It is a problem of privilege, and that self-awareness is oddly painful.  I have so much to say and so much I feel, and probably no one cares which is totally fine as I need to get it out.

Raising kids in Donald Trump America, multi-racial black children in this America, is so frustrating.  I often wish I were part of the sheeple, and that I could delude myself into thinking America is post-racial.  What the world is that anyway?  Morons.  Sorry, if any of my friends read this and they think “Hey she just called me a moron.”  If you’re that much of a snowflake, unfriend me.  If you cannot handle that this state of the nation SUCKS for nearly all people and is only good for white males who want to perpetuate the cycle of white rich power, then unfriend me.  I can’t worry about your feelings.  I need to worry about the people whose feelings mean nothing to those in power, my brown children.

I’m just getting started.  It’s not going to be pretty.  The bike rides so far this season have been challenging. I am so out of shape and it hurts so much.  He is great and encourages me.  At least when we are doing this, there’s no poking or mockery, just a realization what it takes for Asthmatic me to get my butt out and moving in the world.  Exercise is quite frankly embarassing for me, and I know I’m someone some twit will gym shame someday although I hope going to the Y rather than a gym will help limit that.  I am loud and insane when I am working out, sometimes I even kinda cry from the pain.  My lungs scream………..but I have the ability to workout and my sofa is not improving my mind.

Depression sucks.  Exercise helps.  Podcasts expand my brain and my butt.  Ha!  So temptation bundling it shall be.  Take something you love, that is tempting, and bundle it with something you hate.  Workout listening to podcast, for example.

Rambling?  Yes.  Today I am allowing myself to be unfocused and all over the place.  Read it.  Don’t.  I don’t care today.

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