Total SUCK. W2 D2.

 Imagine an incredibly warm windy day out of nowhere and the joy it would produce in the runner…..well most runners anyway.  When I laced up it was 71 and I thought to myself WOW, that’s actually hot by my standards, ok.  I made sure I had my inhaler tucked into my bra, a full water bottle on my hand, and as little clothing as possible on my body.  I set out and had app issues with the pink ribbon C25K app…UGH!  It didn’t tell me to run, so I was walking, so I had to back up the app.  So far I feel pretty good but evidently…super slow.  My first mile was an entire minute slower.  Being colder definitely helps me move faster. But whatever, it’s week 2, it’s all about the breathing now.

I work my way into the second mile, and I just feel OFF.  My legs feel like lead.  I feel like I can’t pick my feet up, I’m almost stumbling or shuffling.  I just want to survive this workout and get home.  The wind is battering me and making me feel like I have no footing.  I stop to take pictures, tweet, and then get going again, restarting the still malfunctioning app.  It kept opening the app store and then the verbal prompts didn’t happen; I was sooooo aggravated.  I want to love running today because it’s beautiful but my path was closed and my body felt like….ASS.  I said it.  ASS.  It felt like dirty smelly been at work too long ASS.

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I think I need to 1. Hydrate better while teaching and 2. Fuel my body better.  I’m sure some people can run after they eat anything but that cookie I ate at the end of the day was………..foolish.  I felt like a heffer and when I feel like a heffer I eat like one.  See how self-fulfilling negative thoughts are?  Stupid heffer.  Lose some damn weight….heffer.  There’s a fat ass runner and then there’s a fat ass runner who is still eating crap on occasion when she needs to detox.   So.  No more total suck.  It has to stop here, it’s time to get serious about calories and clean eating.  W3 has to be better than W2.  W2 D3 will be better…..I will turn off the negative tape in my head next time I run.  I have to say nice things to my body so it can perform despite the many obstacles it faces.  I need to love myself better, extra pounds and all.  

 

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Day 1

I started with a brisk walk and I felt alive, every step connecting my body to my neighborhood to my city and to my world. Every familiar landmark that I ran past felt like a milestone conquered. Grandview. Dayton Art Institute. MacPhersontown. The river stairway. Main Street bridge. Almost to Riverscape and back.
My asthma was so loud. It probably scared people. But still every time my app told me to run I ran. I ran until I coughed so hard I almost puked during one walking interval. I ran until I cried. I screamed I want to die. But I ran every interval and I never ever stopped moving.
If you’ve never run you might question my sanity. But if you have, I don’t need to explain myself; once a runner you always want to be one again, even when it hurts. Hell. Especially when it hurts.

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Ms. H don’t play!

Tuesday was my first tearful day as a new teacher. When the building was empty, only myself and the custodian present, I cried in my room like a baby. I felt like a failure. I private messaged a fellow DPS teacher on Facebook and she encouraged me…..lots of people did. And I picked myself up and came into work for…..Professional Development Day. Hey! I didn’t time it, it happened. One of my students had an appointment in my building. I met her and her mother and suddenly I hear “She’s so excited to come to school again” and “She said Ms. H don’t play!” Since the focus of my room is classroom management, that made me smile. And it made me happy. Maybe I am doing ok for a week 1 Intervention Specialist 🙂

Tonight over dinner, just talking about my kids, my viewpoints on education, the areas I feel I am lacking in, I felt so much pleasure. The simple act of explaining to someone else why I love my new career, why it is so important to me, reminds me, again, that I’m realizing a dream I’ve worked on in different ways for years. This isn’t anything I fell into or chose because the economy is tough. This is what I LOVE to do, it lights me up inside. Those moments with that student were precious this morning. Tomorrow she may come in and try to tear my room to pieces or even my heart, but now I know, she cares, she understands why my rules exist, and at least part of her wants to follow them.

The faces of my life will change as years pass, but my roles stay the same. I am, forevermore, Asthma Girl Runner Mommy Teacher Relative Friend Swimmer Athlete….you get the idea.

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NYE Resolution run that almost wasn’t!

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photo 3I had a brilliant idea. An awesome, amazing, beautiful, earth shattering, fantastic idea. I would run this year’s New Year’s Eve Resolution Run/Walk Beavercreek all blinged out….you know, sparkly eye shadow, NYE ball reminiscent earrings, the works. It was cold and snowy so my bling options would be limited and I didn’t have any cool party favors on hand to stick on, but it’s the thought that counts, right? I was late getting ready because I was really, really tired yesterday and I mistakenly laid down to rest. When I got up, I didn’t have as much time as I needed, and I knew I had to shower since I wouldn’t be showering after the event before I went to celebrate with my cousins…..so I’d better start out particularly fresh and clean. I get ready quickly, trying to figure out which pants to wear, and I chose the running pants vs. the running tights (bad idea!). I wore my under armour shorts underneath, and my tech tank, tech long sleeve shirt and tech short sleeve shirt with jacket. It was 29 at my house, and I thought I was properly dressed with my fur wrap and scarf…..

I arrive at Beavercreek High School and missed the turn, had to turn partway down a street closed for my race that I’m not yet registered for and I am so late, WTF was I thinking, my heart is racing, I’m a little worried. I have to PEE!! I turn around praying I don’t get ticketed or stopped, find the turn in the snow, get parked, and head into the school and gymnasium to register where it’s no kidding 100 degrees farenheit I swear! I start to write my name so poorly I cannot even read it, leave that sheet there, start another one, run over, register, get my shirt and my bag I totally spaced on attaching the chip to my shoe and head back to my car………..UH OH where is my car?

It’s a high school parking lot how could I possibly have lost my car? I am ready to cry, I hear them tell the runners to line up outdoors and I haven’t found my car….and I still have to pee. This is not good folks, not good at all. Totally something AGR would do, but nonetheless, bad form. I’m thinking there goes the Facebook post….I’ve never, ever run a race without posting a starting line pic on FB. I guess that makes me an attention w###e and I own that. I’ve gone up and down the aisles, I knew I parked at the end near a pickup truck. I’m in an affluent suburb, why would someone steal my aging car at a race?? Desperate, I finally ask the only woman out there who obviously isn’t going to run or walk, is there another parking lot? She points and says over on that side, attached to this one, as if I were a total moron, which at this point, I know I am! I run to my car as fast as I can without getting a stitch in my side, fling open the door, stick the chip in my pocket no time to attach to shoe, put the key fob for my car on my shoelace (why didn’t I slide the chip on there at the same time I will NEVER know, sometimes my smart brain is super stupid……), and I am ready except I still have to pee and I know the race is about to start…..so I do the only thing I can. I open the car door, drop trou, pee on the ground behind my door, pull up my pants and run into the school and out the other door, but all the walkers have started and they’re rolling up the mats, I’m sprinting at this point and begging them to let me start, which they reluctantly do, making note of my start. Clock time? 3:08.

Now, believe it or not, despite being out of breath, I’m totally relaxed and happy. The New Year’s Eve Resolution Run that almost wasn’t, is. I’m ecstatic that my antics didn’t ruin my chances of finishing the year with a run. For the first time ever as a runner, I don’t even care that my chip time probably wasn’t recorded, because I knew when I started and I’ll know when I finish. Sometimes, it’s just about having fun, and last night I had a blast. I greeted every single walker I passed, telling them good work, Happy New Year’s, have a great night, isn’t it beautiful out? I’m pretty sure with my buoyant attitude and late out of breath start, they thought I was drunk, crazy, delusional……but no, I’m just Asthma Runner Girl, she has a page on Facebook, you should check it out! I greeted and thanked all of the volunteers too, and it wasn’t easy at times to yell and run but it kept me from pushing myself to my pain threshold in my lungs like I normally do, which was nice,and made the 5k so much more enjoyable. When people wanted to know if I was ok, I replied, “I’m GREAT! How are you?” It’s very unnerving to the uninitiated when someone who sounds like they’re taking their last breath cheerfully sings out to them……they almost stutter as they reply. It was yet another race where people are mystified and I’m thinking…I guess that means YOU aren’t working hard enough. I may run at a seemingly leisurely pace, as if I weren’t serious or hard-core in my fitness, but make no mistake, I finished the New Year the same way I lived it, running as if my life depended on crossing that finish line. Clock time 38:12, which means a 35:04 race, but the story doesn’t end there.

I go into the gym where the results are scrolling and within 20 minutes I realize my name isn’t in my age bracket, but there’s a woman with the same last name who finished at 38:34, first name Loren. I’m so hot in there I cannot make the connection, it’s fuzzy. I let the speedy-feet race director know I don’t see my name, he says do you know your chip number…I laugh really loud, “No sorry, I did not look,” and I don’t think this is the place or time to mention that I didn’t attach my chip, I just carried it. I let him know I started at 3:08 he says “Oh, I took the flash drive at 2 minutes plus so your start didn’t record at all, and they didn’t know it.” (thank heavens for small favors, I would have been turned away..and would have had to decide if I would run anyway). So he finds Loren, updates to me, we could match on the birthdate and zip code, and changes my time, which puts me at a finish of 35:34….why is it still off by 30 seconds? Because that’s when they recorded that I turned in the chip, it didn’t clock me when I crossed the finish line with it in my pocket; thank heavens speedy-feet is so efficient and awesome at what they do, I still have close to a real record of my performance. I was not about to discuss my actual time crossing the finish, I was so grateful to the race director for taking the time to help me out and let me be counted. I’m an Athlinks maniac, after all.

So what does Asthma Girl Runner do to finish out her evening? She heads home, gets dry and cleaned up, heads to her cousin’s house and rings in the New Year with people who love her (my kids were with Dad this New Years, we rotate of course). I was able to tell my funny story minus the part about peeing on the ground, I just simply said I did what I had to do. But other runners will read this and think yep, I would have peed in the parking lot too. I’m just really glad I did not get arrested for public indecency and finished my year with a run!

Blizzard run, almost!

>20121226-221457.jpgI bundled up so excited for my first really snowy run. They cancelled the blizzard so I thought why not? I stepped out dressed perfectly with two bottom layers, two pairs of socks, a compression tank two long sleeve shirts a jacket and gloves scarf and bandanna plus fur head wrap. Yes, I wore my fur to run. I set out and wow the snow was about six inches deeper than expected, a good foot deep but I walked my warmup and thought running would surely be easier. Or not. Trying to keep my low cadence was about impossible in the big drifts. The sidewalks were invisible, completely obscured by snow. I thought I would never make it to the river and then I was fearful of the stairs down to the path. I thought maybe not today. Let’s stay higher :-). So I ran what I could and turned around. My coach Jeff Galloway said just 4 miles more and I said not today coach I am heading home with ankles and knees intact I hope! It was cold and exhilarating and beautiful and I will do it again, I am training for the outdoor part of the splash n dash which is outdoors in February and March! I kept the music low and my eyes open, with a very healthy fear that every vehicle on the road might lose control. I was relieved when I turned the corner toward home. I enjoyed all the hoots hollers and encouragement (or was that flirting) I was given, made me feel invincible and amused. I am Asthma Girl Runner, even in a near blizzard. 20121226-221301.jpg
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Clean slate, codependency….who cares, I just want to run!

clean-slateI’m working on giving myself a clean slate for the choices I’ve made that I don’t feel great about. I have to forgive myself in order to feel whole, clean, valued. I’m in recovery from codependency which sounds so silly, but it’s a serious problem. It means I love too much, that I look for my mate to fill a void that my childhood created. And trust me, I’m so over that, I don’t want to dwell on it anymore, I wish I could just wave a wand over it. Fact is, when I run, I feel whole, I feel clean, I feel fun, and young (do you hear the LoveSong references?). I decided some time ago that LoveSong is really about codependency, and I maintain that. When I feel those urges to cling to another person, or even my kids to give my existence purpose, I try to channel it to fitness instead, because my children need me to be whole all by myself.

Today, I ran, and I focused totally on my breathing, keeping it rhythmic and controlled, which is a huge challenge, the way my asthma works. I’m always labored, even when I talk for a long time. I don’t even remember what I thought about since it was only a 2 mile run. When runs are sucky, I will daydream about anything to distract myself, or I will try to solve my problems. For me, running is both a group and a solo activity, and I love both. When I feel overwhelmed by life, yes, I want to run from it, but mostly I just want to run until my head is clear and my heart is light.

AGR (Asthma Girl Runner) AKA Kerniec (it’s Kernie C, but people like to call me “kerniac” which is funny, since I am a bit of a maniac).

Asthma Girl Runner has a Facebook page!

Well I have a Facebook page and I hope you like me! I’ve been on this leg of my life journey for four years now and I hope to inspire others as I’ve been inspired over the years. My page is for all athletes for whom it doesn’t come easy; all who came from non-athletic backgrounds or who became obese or who have asthma or arthritis or any other disease or affliction. I hope to pay it forward, always and all ways. https://m.facebook.com/?refsrc=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2F&_rdr#!/AsthmaGirlRunner?__user=1467515444