Total SUCK. W2 D2.

 Imagine an incredibly warm windy day out of nowhere and the joy it would produce in the runner…..well most runners anyway.  When I laced up it was 71 and I thought to myself WOW, that’s actually hot by my standards, ok.  I made sure I had my inhaler tucked into my bra, a full water bottle on my hand, and as little clothing as possible on my body.  I set out and had app issues with the pink ribbon C25K app…UGH!  It didn’t tell me to run, so I was walking, so I had to back up the app.  So far I feel pretty good but evidently…super slow.  My first mile was an entire minute slower.  Being colder definitely helps me move faster. But whatever, it’s week 2, it’s all about the breathing now.

I work my way into the second mile, and I just feel OFF.  My legs feel like lead.  I feel like I can’t pick my feet up, I’m almost stumbling or shuffling.  I just want to survive this workout and get home.  The wind is battering me and making me feel like I have no footing.  I stop to take pictures, tweet, and then get going again, restarting the still malfunctioning app.  It kept opening the app store and then the verbal prompts didn’t happen; I was sooooo aggravated.  I want to love running today because it’s beautiful but my path was closed and my body felt like….ASS.  I said it.  ASS.  It felt like dirty smelly been at work too long ASS.

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I think I need to 1. Hydrate better while teaching and 2. Fuel my body better.  I’m sure some people can run after they eat anything but that cookie I ate at the end of the day was………..foolish.  I felt like a heffer and when I feel like a heffer I eat like one.  See how self-fulfilling negative thoughts are?  Stupid heffer.  Lose some damn weight….heffer.  There’s a fat ass runner and then there’s a fat ass runner who is still eating crap on occasion when she needs to detox.   So.  No more total suck.  It has to stop here, it’s time to get serious about calories and clean eating.  W3 has to be better than W2.  W2 D3 will be better…..I will turn off the negative tape in my head next time I run.  I have to say nice things to my body so it can perform despite the many obstacles it faces.  I need to love myself better, extra pounds and all.  

 

Day 1

I started with a brisk walk and I felt alive, every step connecting my body to my neighborhood to my city and to my world. Every familiar landmark that I ran past felt like a milestone conquered. Grandview. Dayton Art Institute. MacPhersontown. The river stairway. Main Street bridge. Almost to Riverscape and back.
My asthma was so loud. It probably scared people. But still every time my app told me to run I ran. I ran until I coughed so hard I almost puked during one walking interval. I ran until I cried. I screamed I want to die. But I ran every interval and I never ever stopped moving.
If you’ve never run you might question my sanity. But if you have, I don’t need to explain myself; once a runner you always want to be one again, even when it hurts. Hell. Especially when it hurts.

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Murph, yes I half conquered plus a mile….CrossFitter for Life?

So I’m not a CrossFitter anymore, though I did train for the Murph because like the half, or the full, or whatever….RESPECT the WOD like you respect the distance.  So I trained, or so I thought, doing pull-ups on the pull-up assist, doing 100 modified push-ups, countless squats, and miles for time.  So I started here with the 1 mile run, which is the full Murph distance, the only part of my WOD that was full Murph, because, well, I’m a runner.  I can run some distance even when I’m tired.  So here’s my starting running pics, with others and all by my Asthma Girl lonesome once the group left me in their rainy footprints.

that's ME AGR in the back....leading the pack from the rear

that’s ME AGR in the back….leading the pack from the rear

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AGR and no one else in sight…..whistly but moving

So next element in the WOD was pull-ups, and I trained at the gym for the last six weeks on the pull-up machine, with a 90lb assist.  But let me say…….banded pull-ups make a pull-up assist machine look like a sissified girly contraption.  I felt like I had not done a pull-up since December, even though my Twitter and FaceBook page followers can attest to my assertion that I have, in fact, done so.

This is what it looks like…..that’s not me though!

man doing pull-up on assist

Here’s what MURPH banded pull-ups look like (yep, that’s me front and back….kinda impressive).

banded pullup extension

banded pullup extension

all the way over the bar, no cheating

all the way over the bar, no cheating

I was dying by thirty pull-ups, had to switch out a lesser band for a stronger one after an epic fail trying to heave my enormous overly heavy body over the bar.  I cannot even remember how to kip but even more important, I felt like a water buffalo trying to lift myself above the bar.  That cute little machine up there makes me feel like supergirl.  Not so damn much, Infinity Fitness, you reminded mpae how far away my days at RegalFit are, how many Cheetos I’ve stress eaten in my classroom.  I might still be wearing my pants but who is wearing my fluff?

Third element….the WORST.  100 Push-ups.  Modified.  Even modified.  I mean, I’ve grunted through them at home, screamed through them, but I was worried about doing them in public, so I hid over by the wall of kettlebells, so no one could see me cuss or cry.  I needn’t have worried, the camera didn’t even catch me this time, I had my daughter snap some pics of my nemesis anyway “for the blog”.  I like these memories, I am a bit of a masochist.  So I do ten and I’m ready to cry thinking…..90 more??  Somehow, I don’t know, I got through them.  By the end I could only do 4-6 at a time.  My plans of sets of 10 after those nightmare pull-ups went right out the window.

focused and in motion

focused and in motion

going for more torture, or prayer?

going for more torture, or prayer?

So I finished the push-ups, I actually got stuck on 97, did 8 in a row and fell on my face, pretty much.  Had to rest my shaking, quivering, gelatinous arms, then do the last silly three damn push-ups.  Last element…..finally something I can manage.  Squats.  I don’t have the deepest squat because my knees suck so bad, but at this point I am so glad to get through an element so I can run again and be finished! I was able to do squats 50 per set…..hilariously different performance thanks to the squat challenge in March and all that spinning the last two months. 🙂

Moving FAST down she goes

Moving FAST down she goes

And she's UP

And she’s UP

Oh squats were sets of 50 but also my first chance besides running to use my inhaler….did I mention I used it like 8 times in a 45 minute WOD?

Yes, I AM AGR peeps

Yes, I AM AGR peeps

So my daughter cheered me on, and I got to see my old CrossFit and prior work acquaintances, and it was really nice to do so.  Great to cheer them on and push myself to the finish.  I may not be a CrossFitter anymore, but I still have the mental toughness I learned in Infinity and Regal Fitness CrossFit gyms.  I can still perform CrossFit elements when I train at the gym, I can still do the Murph every single Memorial Day and never let go of that piece of myself, because I like the RAWR I see in these pictures, and I missed it.

I finished with a mile run and I would love to say I ran it for time, but I felt dead through my whole body.  I was so thankful for the cool mist and temperatures, but my muscles would barely cooperate as I tried to run, and my lungs were even more labored.  I hit the inhaler and kept going, walked a few steps uphill just so I could finish at a slow jog.  I smiled so hard on my return because it was almost over! Oh and also my sense of personal accomplishment.  I conquered quite a WOD just under 45 minutes and without all the training that is supposed to lead to such an undertaking.  I finished it because I’m Asthma Girl Runner, and because I respected the Murph.  Here’s to a trip to Long Island NY and NYC and another race for Lieutenant Michael Murphy.

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Thank you to all who have served, who continue to serve, who make sacrifices, and who have died so I can be free to write this blog.

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Inspired by Grey’s Anatomy Season 1, episode 2

So a GF of mine was watching Grey’s Anatomy when I went to her house one day to take her to the airport….and I was hooked.  Later I saw it was on Netflix and I started watching…yesterday.  Today I rewatched the episode I watched  with her, and I was struck hard by the end of the episode.  

In Grey’s head she says “Boundaries don’t keep people out they fence you in.  Life is messy it’s how we’re made.”  

Then she says “You can waste your life drawing lines, or you can live your life crossing them. ”  OH I cross, I cross the lines……all the time. Even when my fear wants to hold me back, I get back out there.

She finishes with “Here’s what I know.  If you’re willing to take the chance, the view from the other side is spectacular.”

I’m on the other side….I’m open, life.  Today I RAN in the heat and got heat exhaustion but I finished, made it home, and I’m slowly recovering.  I can’t let the weather fence me in, I have to force my body to adapt (albeit more cautiously, sorry body).  And I can’t let my fear of rejection fence me in, I want to meet new people, have new experiences, live my life, LOVE fully.  

I’ve written lots of posts about being AGR and about my kryptonite.  My kryptonite isn’t a person, it’s a type of person.  An introverted, quiet person who seems perfect because they never say how they’re really feeling and they spend their quiet moments trying to please you, the extrovert, the energetic one, like moths to a flame.  My friend today, Anna, said I need an ambivert and I agree…..I cannot stand extroverts because unlike me (in general) they are horrible listeners.  So no more kryponite…..leaving the illusory safe space of  dating introverts and opening myself to different types, different people, new things.  Like someone said “how’s that working out for ya?”  Ouch.  But true..

I’m crossing the line people, do you hear me?  I’m going to run in the heat.  I’m going to train all summer.  I’m going to leave every comfort zone I can, and I’m going to break type and hopefully find a real match, not one that only exists in my mind.  No more infatuations and illusory one-sided love, I want the real, mutual thing.  I’m not scared anymore…..I’m tired of the view from the other side, it’s great over here.  Image 

 

 

What I train for

What do I train for? This isn’t the “why I run” blog because my reasons for running aren’t the same as the reasons for training. While I run because I feel certain things and it makes me stronger and more powerful and healthier, I train so I can run distance.

I am a distance runner. I started out with short runs like everyone else who takes on running in their 30’s. I started running in 2008 and I decided by the following fall I wanted to run 13.1. That’s pretty quick turnaround given prior weight, current joint issues, and severe asthma. But it was my goal.

So May 2010 I became a distance runner at the Cleveland Rock N Roll Hall of Fame Half Marathon. And I was hooked. I ran 4. Then I went to grad school. So I ran none in 2011. In 2012, after I graduated, I trained for and ran the Monumental a second time.

So this is a long winded way of saying why I train. I train because of the pic I’ve attached. Because the joy of conquering 13.1 for me only comes with training and dedication. I can’t just show up and run one. With my asthma every single 3.1 after the 10 is misery on my calves. I train so I can mentally push past the pain and finish every race with a positive split. Because that’s who I am. I am a distance runner.

Today I ran 4.04 after working all day and wrestling bears (elementary kids same diff) because this pic came to my phone to remind me not to shortchange myself, to go the distance. And where before the run I felt fatigued, tired, worn down, afterward I felt like I could take on the world. I felt like I did in the picture, like I could accomplish anything I set my mind to. And I shall.

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Dancing no running in the rain

On the wall it says
Life isn’t about how to survive the storm
But learning how to dance in the rain
She’s wearing a red shirt and a skirt
She resembles me as she dances through puddles

As the rain pours over the house
Like a sheet of water flooding the yard
My amazing dancer says
That’s not a good sound for running mom
I imagine my new shoes ruined by the downpour
Likely I shall wear my old new shoes today for their first baptism

Rain starts rain stops as quickly as it came
More like summer than spring
But rain is coming all day long
Can’t run from it have to run through it
Like my red shirted alter ego
Dancing through the puddles
Happy knowing I know how to dance in the storm
Joyfully running through the rain.

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